How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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