Swine flu. Run for my life!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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