the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
