you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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