So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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