Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
