I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
