Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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