Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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