Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
