In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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