I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
