So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
