Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
