I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
