Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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