Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
