someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am mentally ready for anal.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
