I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
