omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
