he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
