How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
