Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
