ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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