I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
