I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
