No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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