I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
