just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
