i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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