He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
