my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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