come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
