I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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