i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
