Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
