'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
