I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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