so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
