In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
