mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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