On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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