I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
