I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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