Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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