3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
