ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
