Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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