Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
