i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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